emo again

Yet again I seem to have lost all control of my emotions. I'm stuck, playing the role of naïve prey to my feelings. Always my feelings. Too big, too sharp, too crazy. Always the accompanying criticism.

What to do, to say, how to soothe the un-soothable- all beyond my grasp. I can say, and have, again and again that this will pass, that it won't last, that things will be ok, but words of comfort count for nothing when you know that the speaker doesn't even believe herself.

It's all raining sky, it's all falling, there's no avoiding the badness of the past, it all reprises. Your recent happy history is a distraction, a lie, only for fools. Everything, everything, everything falls apart. Who am I to make promises about forever? Who could ever promise such things?? Even god knows better than to promise joy forever in this world. Brokenness, broken, broken, broke-down brokenness. As though all old hurts are happening again and again. As though the old laws of existence have forced themselves upon this time, this place, though their place is gone. Is dead.

Instead of freedom and newness there is only pain. And embarrassment and fear, one stuck to the other. I was foolish to trust, to think happiness could last. To think that the old times could be held captive to the past.

What amazes me most is that nothing bad has happened. Truly there is only good in my life, but I am oppressed by thoughts, feelings, and the resulting loneliness of emotional chaos.

Thank goddess for hip-hop and big headphones.