October 17th, 2007

To know something deeply, softly, in the moments of quiet after my light has been put out, this is to be at peace. To feel so surely the beauty at once. To let flow, at once, the harbored fears. My judgments and expectations of myself, of others, have been killing me. To know that such stillness can be, to find in a brilliant sky some small, chaotic cluster attesting to the gorgeousness of this life- the incompleteness of all my former pretense of life is apparent in the slight rustle of leaves on this otherwise soundless morning. I think I can call it morning, even though I haven’t slept and the sun has yet to rise. I wait for a bus that seems never to come. This morning arrived without my even thinking of it. Gone is the sleeping time. Gone, too, are the worries I cherished yesterday. I haven’t been able to cry lately. Did you know? I have felt cold. I have wished for tears to empty out the sadness, to release my well, to validate my own pity. I have longed to let loose a stream of tears each time I hugged my knees on the back porch. None would come. After great strains there was not even one tear to hold, to shake hands with, to comfort, yet this morning I cry without meaning to. Simply feeling held- neither holding myself not cradled in another’s arms, but held none the less.
You Know.