Last night I suddenly hit a wall with regards to patience. I have spent so much time in self-analysis that I think I've gotten sick on it. I'm terribly frustrated and full of self-judgment.
And why, you may ask, am I judging myself?
I am relentlessly flinging mean thoughts at myself because I keep catching myself flinging mean thoughts at others. I'm judging myself for judging the world. Well, not exactly the world, that's perhaps a bit too much hyperbole, but only just.
This tragicomedy began in earnest on Tuesday night, in my humanities class. We are currently studying Thomas More's 'Utopia', a work that has vast discussion/debate possibilities, in my debate-thirsty-opinion. Private Property, Corporate Greed, The Prison System, Communal Accountability, Shared Humanity, Class, Privilege- these are all discussion topics that could be gleaned from Book I of 'Utopia'. And with an initial gratitude (and a retrospective one as well) I watched as the professor led our circle of students into discussion, only to be horrified by the results.
I found myself deeply entrenched in a debate that flitted between the practical and the philosophical from sentence to sentence (which is in itself annoying when you are trying to make a clear argument). This was not horrifying, only tedious- navigating a discussion of humanity's potential intermingled with a discussion of humanity's present state. The horrifying part came in when we started talking about the concept of greed. I believe that More contends that Greed is one of the most destructive forces at work in 'modern' society, and I agree with him. My fellow students (not all of them I'm sure, but a vocal majority), however, could not seem to get beyond the idea that what they had in their life they had earned completely on their own merit.
Now, admittedly, this doesn't sound too horrid, but when one carries this statement to its logical reverse it sounds much worse. If a person has exactly what they deserve- the fruit of their own labors- then a person who lacks fruit does so because of their own laziness. The poor people of the world, and especially in the proximate United States culture, are poor because they aren't smart enough, haven't worked hard enough, or they just don't want it enough. This is the way the system works. You work hard, you get rewarded. You slack off, you starve. Or you just don't get the big mansion, because as everyone knows, people who own mansions have done proportionately more work in their life than people living in public housing. Definitively. This system works and is fair, damn it! After all, as one student said, he's 'not jealous of the guy who has a BMW, because [the student] didn't work for that'. Not only was there no acknowledgment of privilege or classism, there wasn't even the faintest comprehension that such things could possibly exist.
My fairly educated guess is that I'm the eldest student in the room by a solid 4 years, a span of time that can admittedly change much for a person's perspective and place in the world. Here's where the judgment demons (and their reactive judgment-of-judgment demons) entered the picture, for I immediately found myself battling internal conflict.
Can you believe those kids?
They're not kids, they're adults.
No they're not, they're 19!
Hey, when you were 19 you thought of yourself very much as an adult an-
I know, but-
-d got quite pissed off when people dismissed your voice because they thought of you as a kid.
YES, but these kids-
People-
OK, these people are ignorant and obtuse!
Well, maybe.
Maybe?
Ok, they are, but that's no excuse to get all Ageist on them.
Wait- was I being ageist???
Um, yes. Extremely. You were judging them because of their age.
But. No. Um. I mean. . .
Grrrrrrrr
Ok, so I may at some times play the hated 'age card', and I'll admit that that's wrong-
Good. That will be 50 lashes and 2 Hail Marys.
Wai- What?
You heard me. (Oh I do love a good flagellation!)
But- that's not helpful! OR productive!
Maybe not, but it sure does feel good to feel bad!
Wait- I have more to say!
*sighs* What?
It's just that, well, ageism acknowledged, these people are still being selfish!
That may be true, but you can't blame it on their age without negating your arguments from when you were 19. So let's just skip it and move back to the whipping!
But why?
Why the whipping?? Because it's so deliciously human! Don't you love loathing yourself???
Ugh, I don't know. This obsession with whipping and soul-mutilation is disgusting. At any rate, that's not what I meant. Why would blaming my classmate's ignorance on their being young negate my younger arguments?
Because if you decide to disregard their self-centered opinions just because they're younger than you, then you're doing the exact thing you used to rant about so vehemently.
Really?
Yes. And didn't you just scold an elder for this two days ago?
*ashamed panda* yes.
A-HA!!! More hypocrisy to be shamed for!!!! (it's going to be an absolute party later!!!!!) Though if you must discuss it, what can you blame their lack of awareness on? It's not as though they're 8 years old and have seen none of the world.
Well, no. That's true. But. . . but. . . they probably haven't experienced any of the world!
But they're 19! They've been on this planet for 19 years!! How is that possible???
Uh, they're conservatory musicians-?- They've probably spent at least half their life in a practice room. Alone. With a dead white man's scrawling and a lonely piano.
But that would mean they've spent almost no time actually experiencing the world-?-
Exactly.
But. . . that's preposterous. How can their musical endeavors impact a world about which they know nothing??
EXACTLY.
And why would they even CARE to impact it?
You See?? They probably don't. They might want to perform in it. Show off. Be on center stage.
Surely not ALL of them.
No, of course not ALL of them. But a damnable majority of them. Especially in class.
And you WANT to be a part of this world???????? You're CHOOSING it????????
Why AM I going into this world? I have always refused to spend my life in a practice room. Though I've been blessed with the aptitude to not have to spend years of my life repeating scales (ugh, bo-ring), I have also always rebelled against the very concept of forfeiting my life for a technique that might someday be imbued with genius. I've just never thought of it that way.
Why DO I sing? I am a musician going into the world of opera. I am an activist with goals and philosophies that hopefully lead toward the continued evolution of some sort of justice in this world. Opera and Social Justice- judging from the culture of my class the other night this seems like a complete non sequitur.
And yet I believe strongly that it is not. Or at least that it doesn't have to be. Music at its most empowered can be such a redemptive force. It can be an art form rife with thought and change and the ability to challenge the status quo. It can enable people. Music can make a person think and feel and speak. It gives a language to grief and anger and joy in a way that words alone can not. Music can, and does, change the world.
Opera is a conduit for the exploration of feelings; the inner motivations of humanity are the very soul of the art form. It is not simply a glorious show for which one should dress up and spend exorbitant amounts of money. It is a shame that this is often how it is viewed. It is even more shameful that this viewpoint has shaped opera into the flaccid art of the aristocracy that it is in many communities, but opera is not beyond redemption. There are strong, active movements to make opera an accessible art form, and this is the creative world I hope to enter.
I want to be a part of opera for the hope that I can make a difference in the world through a craft that encourages self-exploration. Unexamined feelings at work in the world are dangerous indeed. I think that an art form that encourages emotional honesty and growth is inherently a positive force.
And with this renewed sense of self, of trajectory, I find myself less desiring of that flagellatory appointment. It's amazing to me that I can sink so quickly to shaming myself, which always turns into a complete waste of time, both in that it takes time and energy to feel bad about myself, and it takes even more time and energy to then pull myself back out of that funk. What if I could bypass the 40 lashes stage and just move onto changing what I don't like about myself? Wouldn't that be revolutionary. Ha.
At least for today, I feel redeemed. I feel a renewed sense of patience for myself, for my ever-present faults, and for the fact that it takes time to grow and learn. It's funny how that happens.
Currently Reading: Skinny Legs and All
Recently Finished: Mozart in the Jungle: Sex, Drugs, and Classical Music by Blair Tindall
**I am unable to link to the above book from school, as the page has been blocked by the censor. . . This book is about a former student at MSM, and it is full of lascivious information about the music industry. It's autobiographical, and I am a bit disturbed that I am unable to look up any information about the author or the book from school. DAMN CENSORSHIP!!!!!**
Posts
http://www.blairtindall.com/
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blair_Tindall
i don't know if you can access those or not from school but it's a start.
you raise many interesting points, -m-, especially since i just did tons of readings on class/Marxist historiography that made my eyes go WIDE with: "huh. yeah, that makes so much sense and how can others NOT see that?" (i can go into more detail later)
another thing to consider: opera, while definatley "Opera is a conduit for the exploration of feelings; the inner motivations of humanity are the very soul of the art form. It is not simply a glorious show for which one should dress up and spend exorbitant amounts of money."...(i LOVE opera! btw) how do you circumnavigate the fact that nosebleed tickets are out of the price range that even the middle-class can afford?? how can opera be trans-formative when those who need it most can't have access to it? (myself included....)
Ah, but there are ever-increasing formats for financial accessibility.
ReplyDelete(1) Opera in the park- it's free and pretty much better than going, especially as compares to sitting in the nosebleed.
(2) Student tickets to SF Opera are available with student ID, and they are almost never nosebleed!
(3) I know that smaller opera companies still charge hefty prices for tickets, but there's usually a student price, and though it may end up being $15 (which isn't THAT much more than movie tickets these days) the payoff is usually better at these shows because of how close you can get to the stage. The Bay Area has TONS of small opera companies- I can connect you to some of them if you're so inclined.
(4) In a very different format, the MET is releasing opera on DVD these days- check the library!!
It definitely is not completely financially accessible, but it's getting better all the time!!
-m- don't forget the Met simulcasts in movie theathers.
ReplyDeleteI'm a huge fan of student rush, if you have a student ID or if someone you know does. If you show up with a student ID you get 2 tickets, usually in the orchestra level, which would be hyper expensive other wise, for about 20 bucks each. You have to pay cash, though, so be prepared for that.
When I start my baroque opera company, I'll try to do all that I can to keep tix affordable!
I love your inner dialogue. Ashamed panda is he cutest thing ever!!
ReplyDeleteSo I think that the views expressed by the kids in your class (because, yes, I think that 19 year olds are kids. Not in a derogatory way, but 19 is still awfully young, especially if you're a privileged American. Our culture seems to be almost encouraging kid-dom to last a long time) would be pretty present at many American colleges or universities.
It's September in Berkeley, which means that the undergrads are back.....ugh. I think I like Berkeley better in July, but what can ya do?? Anyway, several of my friends have had really interesting experiences in the last few weeks involving young UCB freshmen or whatever. They're both convinced that 19 year olds are a lot younger-acting now than they were when we were 19, and that something is going wrong with teenagers and young adults.
I know that sounds so crotchety and old man-ish.
I think, though, that when you grow up with some level of privilege, it's really easy to never see beyond what you have. If your parents have given you absolutely everything, it's really easy to continue expecting to be handed everything. Somehow, the delusion comes about, though, that one has "earned" their place....Im not sure where that comes from, but it's not only conservatory kids.
Conservatory kids, though, do have an awful lot of that attitude. I suspect that it's a combination of class and the musician thing. If you're a good musician, and practice tons, but are given everything else in life, it must be easy to conflate the work you've done in a practice room with "earning your place in society."
ReplyDeleteI noticed this when I was at SFCM, for sure. I got so frustrated with "friends" who had such protected childhoods that they didn't know how to function as adults.
I got soooo tired of people condescending to me because I lived with my mom while in college. They would always trot out the "independence" thing. Didn't I want to be independent like all of them?? There would be blank stares when I pointed out that they were no more independent than I: I might have been living with Mom, but I was paying for school myself, working while going to college, and supporting myself financially in every way except paying rent.
They, on the other hand, were being completely supported by parents, and would magically get money in their bank accounts every month to pay for everything. One girl lamented the fact that if she got a tattoo, her parents would stop paying for school.....
yeah, that's independence.....**snort**
I guess what I'm saying is that conservatory students tend to have a severe case of an illness that exists in a lot of college kids. The myth of self-reliance and worthiness are probably extra present in people who get into top-notch institutions, be they MSM, SFCM, Harvard or UC Berkeley.
Obviously, some of us have managed not to fall into that abyss. How did we manage to come out wanting to examine and dismantle conditioning? I think in my case it came from growing up working- or lower-middle class while surrounded by the wealthy. I got to see the delusion from early on, and could identify the bullshit. Or maybe I'm just very analytical and want to figure everything out.
As to opera and social justice: not so foreign as one might expect.
I always pull in historical examples when I get into this discussion. Opera has been used to critique society for as long as it's existed (or since about 10 years after opera was invented, technically). Monteverdi's Venetian operas use examples from ancient Rome and mythology to highlight political and social problems. Fast forward to Mozart and the Marriage of Figaro (well, Beaumarchais's text anyway) with it's revolution-inspired message that the working classes actually have the upper hand, despite what the ruling class might think....
There are loads of examples, of course. I think that now, though, social messages tend not to come from classical music. We're seen as old fashioned, elitist and foreign because popular culture has moved on to new media to express protest. Well, that and the prices.
I don't think that SF Opera's prices are inflated, since it does cost A TON to produce something on that scale. Paying the orchestra alone is a terrifyingly huge expense....The trouble is, I don't think opera needs to be on that scale. My favorite productions have been small, scrappy groups doing things on a shoe-string in a black box theater. I really do think that the message gets across better without too much spectacle.
(that said, some day I would love to be in a production where I get to wear a huge dress with a corset and a train and everything....but that's the dress-up loving kid talking, and the desire is purely selfish!)
So yeah, I think I've just listed a bunch of things that have led to my going over to the "Dark Side" (early music)....there seems to be a lot less delusion, but I haven't figured out why just yet....
I hope it all makes sense!